Season 1 Episode 1 YOU.Are.LOVED.
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Rape, shame, heartbreak and not being able to fit in. When I originally posted the series I couldn’t handle watching the episodes, so these are now being down postseason. Trauma is never easy to understand. It’s never easy to work through. And as I’m typing this, I’m listening to episode 1 on the YouTube app (I’m so happy I can open another app now while listening, makes me so happy) and rape very much affects you long term. And doing makeup with crying. Is ugh, but when we start to show what’s happening behind the scenes in our minds we can change the conversation.
I have no remorse for when I called out his name in the series. I felt so sure doing this series that everything was ending. And my whole life was crashing. This series is so hard for me. Even looking back, I can’t stop watching the episodes, and I appreciate everyone who keeps thumbs upping, commenting, and helping to share the messages so desperately needed in our world. Why are you still going? That’s all my mind said. And I knew at the end of the day there would be millions of people who enjoy this and figure out there true inner voice. It’s been so hard on me finding that voice and how I fit into this rhetoric of being a female and a ceo and model and girl and I don’t know. Things are hard. And I know at the end of the day good things happen to good people and if that man ever comes back I will be healed and I am a better person. This whole series brought me back to who I was before this happened, with a new position. In my own mind, I’m able to look at others and not judge them. I know what happened was wrong but I guess from a psychological and mental health perspective I understand we need to do better. And I can be that better person. I can do better. I can share better. I can be a better human.
I have had such a hard time finding peace. With instagram and YouTube and connecting the two, I lost a lot of followers. During the series, I felt really good and then people went through and told me I wasn’t worth anything when they went and thumbs downed my episodes, when I was already down. When anyone does that it figuratively put me on the edge of suicide so many times and even my family wouldn’t talk to me during this episode, my boyfriend wasn’t a right fit and I was dealing with a man who couldn’t see why I was two different people on screen from where I was online or in person. But we all have multiple sides and it’s a beautiful thing to be able to be yourself, and please keep going.
No matter what, you deserve so much worth in this world and my instagram is a place that’s very dormant and dark right now because of what I’ve gone through with the series and seclusion I’ve felt. No one reached out except on the Internet. No one saw I wasn’t ok. My followers tried and it’s the only reason I could keep myself alive this year. I understand Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain doing what they did and committing suicide. I do. And I saw there was an issue with our current climate when it comes to mental health. This whole series is dedicated to changing the conversation and I hope moving forward you can see what I am doing here. I am accomplishing my goals and I won’t stop no matter what anyone thinks or tries to do to me. My job is to protect my family and this is my family here. This is our safe place and our community to share. Facebook and Instagram can get volatile and I want a safe place for all of us to share and share in depth. When on YouTube, please share as well as I read all the comments, I need to protect myself as well and learn how we go about doing this better because your life matters and you matter to me. Thank you so much for watching. I’ll try to start emailing these out daily to make it easier to follow. In the meantime, please subscribe. As far as twin flames, I touch on this again in Season 2, Episode 5. For more clarity check out my YouTube channel and other art forms including my series Poems from the Heart. Thanks for enjoying! Xoxo, Angelica, CEO, Badass, and Mental Health Advocate ❤️