When did the female body become a disgrace pt 2

When did the female body become a disgrace pt 2

Hi, hello. It’s me again. After sleeping for a few hours and regaining a new perspective, I wanted to add that it is never ok for any man, woman, or otherwise to sexually touch another person without their consent.

Through the past year, I took the time to understand the male mind in real time. After a lot of. Psychological and mental health research into the female mind, I knew as a society we needed another way to fix the system that is so insanely broken. In order to do so, we need to know the in’s and out’s of what’s happening in our society.

I’m a dive right in type of girl, and I will stop at nothing to understand the world around me. My place here is to be a voice for those who can’t or won’t speak up, those who do not understand and those who need more understanding as to how we change a society that is so off kilter, our friends and family, and ourselves feel unsafe.

I took the last year to explore mental health at the ground level. I let myself get into the absolute worst substations with men to allow myself the space to understand all levels of society. Rich to poor. Homeless to Schizophrenia. Black to White. Male to female. I dove in, I drove in, and I wrecked shit.

Because sometimes that’s necessary in order to convey the messages needed at a psychological level. Let’s start from the beginning.

Veise Beauty. May 2018. Moved to Charlotte to be alone (non-romantic relationship wise) for the first time in my twenties. I am a relationship girl. I do not function well without a counterpart. I have tried and in my mind for the past two years, I have failed. I looked for love, I fought for it, and I did everything I could humanly imagine to find the right person for me. I met a man I had known for about 11 years at a bar on cinco de mayo who proceeded to tell me that I was the one. I had never been lied to when it came to these types of things and I trusted him. So I decided even though I wanted to be alone, I would give this a chance, and as I do, jump in. Give it my all. Give him my heart. He saved me from drowning when I was 18 and I always felt this sense of needing to repay him for this, although in the grand scheme of things, no repayment was necessary. Flash forward to May 15th, we are supposed to have a birthday day where we had planned on hanging out, eating cupcakes and getting drinks since he had no family, I was alone in Charlotte and my best friend had not yet moved here.

I waited all day for what time we were supposed to hang out - got ready, changed my work schedule, and texted him. No response, called and he said “oh, my brother and his fiancé just arrived. Let me give them a parking pass and I’ll call you right back.” It’s around 7 I believe at this time. I’ll preference with saying in the beginning he had told me, I don’t want either of our hearts to get broken, and I was like, in my mind, you can’t break my heart, I trust you. I know you. You’re my friend. You’ve always supported me. 9pm comes around. I’m talking to my best friend, family, and feeling really awful about myself wondering why he hasn’t responded. Thinking something is wrong with me. I dated his close friend when I was 18, lived with his brother and other friend (the guys who brought him to Charlotte) and Hi, hello. It’s me again. After sleeping for a few hours and regaining a new perspective, I wanted to add that it is never ok for any man, woman, or otherwise to sexually touch another person without their consent.

Through the past year, I took the time to understand the male mind in real time. After a lot of. Psychological and mental health research into the female mind, I knew as a society we needed another way to fix the system that is so insanely broken. In order to do so, we need to know the in’s and out’s of what’s happening in our society.

I’m a dive right in type of girl, and I will stop at nothing to understand the world around me. My place here is to be a voice for those who can’t or won’t speak up, those who do not understand and those who need more understanding as to how we change a society that is so off kilter, our friends and family, and ourselves feel unsafe.

 

I took the last year to explore mental health at the ground level. I let myself get into the absolute worst substations with men to allow myself the space to understand all levels of society. Rich to poor. Homeless to Schizophrenia. Black to White. Male to female. I dove in, I drove in, and I wrecked shit.

Because sometimes that’s necessary in order to convey the messages needed at a psychological level. Let’s start from the beginning.

Veise Beauty. May 2018. Moved to Charlotte to be alone (non-romantic relationship wise) for the first time in my twenties. I am a relationship girl. I do not function well without a counterpart. I have tried and in my mind for the past two years, I have failed. I looked for love, I fought for it, and I did everything I could humanly imagine to find the right person for me. I met a man I had known for about 11 years at a bar on cinco de mayo who proceeded to tell me that I was the one. I had never been lied to when it came to these types of things and I trusted him. So I decided even though I wanted to be alone, I would give this a chance, and as I do, jump in. Give it my all. Give him my heart. He saved me from drowning when I was 18 and I always felt this sense of needing to repay him for this, although in the grand scheme of things, no repayment was necessary. Flash forward to May 15th, we are supposed to have a birthday day where we had planned on hanging out, eating cupcakes and getting drinks since he had no family, I was alone in Charlotte and my best friend had not yet moved here.

I waited all day for what time we were supposed to hang out - got ready, changed my work schedule, and texted him. No response, called and he said “oh, my brother and his fiancé just arrived. Let me give them a parking pass and I’ll call you right back.” It’s around 7 I believe at this time. I’ll preference with saying in the beginning he had told me, I don’t want either of our hearts to get broken, and I was like, in my mind, you can’t break my heart, I trust you. I know you. You’re my friend. You’ve always supported me. 9pm comes around. I’m talking to my best friend, family, and feeling really awful about myself wondering why he hasn’t responded. Thinking something is wrong with me. I dated his close friend when I was 18, lived with his brother and other friend (the guy who brought him to Charlotte for his job) and thought because of the situation within our friend group and me running away from Florida that his brother did not like me. The night goes on. No response. Nothing. I send a few texts the next day. Hey, hope you’re ok! I know you’ve been going through a lot lately and you talked about your mental health. Let me know if you need anything. I understand how hard it can be, thinking he was going through something serious. Pushing my feelings aside I decided to look through the reality that he was not a good guy and couldn’t tell me. Anyone would have said hey sorry, not tonight and been a kind human. Not this guy. He proceeded to tell me the next day, we are not in a relationship, we are not dating, and I was out of line.

In a nutshell. The text was longer but the real issue was that he left me there, didn’t say anything, and just figured I’d be fine. Now, back story. I had just gotten out of a 1.5 year long relationship. Like 3 weeks before we met. And he was my ROCK. Veise exists because this man stood by me, cooked me dinner, held my hand, took off work to help me get supplies, make TJ Max orders, donated money for our first expo and continued to stand by my side. Every bit of confidence I had was from that man and venturing out on my own was never what I intended.

I had a plan. I would be on my own for a year, build up my veise and then move to LA. When M and I were talking, he told me regardless of what happened. We would make it work. We would get through it. I was the one. And that we would be together forever. Now. Me being me. I trust people.

I built and entire plan. The rest of our lives was going to be love, pancakes, sex, kissing, beaches and star gazing, boating, Florida expeditions, kids, we talked about their schools and how we would raise them, we talked about work and turning veise into the biggest skincare brand in the world. He stopped texted me.

 Now I’m my mind, he had told me I was the only thing that brought him joy, which was already a red flag since I came from a relativity normal relationship before that. I had my fun, my hobbies, things I enjoyed, and my boyfriend was always my number one. He would never do anything to hurt me, except when he was drunk (which he sought treatment for when we broke up) and this whole new thing with Matt was so confusing. Why would he do that? Unless he was really in such a bad place. But... I had been there, I was getting there because of that night he left me stranded and started to spiral into a depression so unreal I couldn’t see how anybody could not be there for their friends. And the man that loved me, we had made plans. We had already built a future, how could behave like that. I had no idea what to do except dive in. Dig in deeper. There’s no way this man was the same man who has rescued me, stood by my side after I got the shit kicked out of me when I threw a pint glass at a girl for trying to sleep with my boyfriend, ran from the cops when they showed up and I was the only underage girl and sat with me beneath the stars for more New Years than I could count. Never got aggressive, not tried to sleep with me, and was my trusted snuggle buddy when he would sleep at our house after crazy house parties. How could you be this guy? He had never disrespected me or demeaned me. Was never mean to me, hurt me or said anything that made me feel like I was worth nothing. And I felt that way. I had to fight for the Man and know he was now, how to get him back. Where were you? When I needed you?

he kept going back and fourth telling me things were moving forward. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t find myself in the sea of men who were so kind to me online and in person and the man I really thought was hiding inside you, was gone. You were no where to be found. I almost committed suicide that July.

We had gone through this for almost two months. He kept making plans and disappearing. Never replying until a few days or even weeks later and it destroyed me. I thought he was the one - I really did. I was in love with the old man I knew from our younger years. I was in love with the man who helped me move a couch on our roof to watch the stars and drink alcoholic sweet tea on New Years. The man who covered me up when I threw up off the back of the wakeboarding boat and passed out face down in the water towards the exhaust at 4 am. The man who dressed in a leopard sweater as I dressed as sexy elf for Halloween and took pictures with me. The man who snuggled my pain away. The man who sat out Central Station. The man who let cry over every guy who broke my heart and sat in the bar that night and listened to how my boyfriend was so controlling, and that’s why I couldn’t text back when we were younger. That was my Matt. He was long gone. No where to be found. He wanted to be friends. Friends don’t destroy me.

I kept breaking off our friendship, then feeling awful since I owed him from when we were younger - and trying to come back, taking out all my pain on the instagram posts I wrote (which are now deleted) - but I wrote them for me. When I looked at him, I saw what he was going through and thought it all had to do with me. My company wasn’t good enough, it was too good, I’m not good enough, I’m too good. I’m not me. Where are you? I could never forgive myself for losing me. For losing him. For never figuring it out. 

For rushing into things. For not taking a bath with him and instead thinking I needed to read dating books because clearly I didn’t know how to date or this would have been fate right? Who runs into their younger love from when they were 18. In a random bar in another city where both of you just moved. Destiny does this to you. Brings people in to heal old wounds. I had forgotten about Zach. I had forgotten he had raped me. He was part of the friend group. And he took advantage of me. He was older. White. And never got the justice he needed for what he did.

I ran so far. I kept thinking it was me. Something wrong with me for what he did to me. For his friends telling me he didn’t do it. For him denying it. For him ruining the last two years. For him making me feel like I could never come back to Orlando. For him telling everyone I was lying. For me breaking my heart and my boyfriend not understanding where I was going. For throwing in the towel because I was too shy to stick up for myself and continue moving on with life. For not finding a therapist after he raped me. For not telling my friend, for not telling my mom. For the men in my life to understand. For the woman in my head. The girl who was. She just was. She couldn’t understand. I ruined my life that day when I told you about Chase. My best friend. Being shot and killed by the police and his fiancé hating me so much I couldn’t show up at the funeral. He was the man that called me 17 times a day just to say hey. He was my protector and angel on earth. He never let anyone near me that didn’t deserve it. His friend that tried to snuggle with me when I was devastated over our broken home life. His favorite human. He never deserted me even when he stole my stuff to sell to a pawn shop. Someone tried to tell me about white privilege the other day, and I need to tell you, privilege has not been something I have been granted with. This started today because some black men tried to rape me at the Atlanta bus station. And I shared this on an Instagram comment after my male black friend tried to tell me white privilege was not being afraid to leave the house or get arrested by the cops, when a few days... only a few... I deleted the posts and all the videos I posted when he said that me. My videos talked about the last year and where I planned to build a mental health and skate facility on a property in Clermont - where I went to high school and our old manufacturing facility was, the reason I moved to Florida last year, and this one simple comment from a black man telling me I had white privilege because I didn’t have to fear for my life when I left my house was completely inaccurate.

During this past year, I have experienced more misogyny than I ever have. Starting with Matt, telling me you’re such a girl in this demeaning voice and making me feel bad for being human. Being sensitive, being emotional, having feelings, expressing myself and being upset that he followed all the bikini models and naked girls. I unfollowed him because he never liked my stuff and saw him only like naked pics of other women and at the time was wondering why I was curvy enough or voluptuous enough, or that I wasn’t enough. Keep in my mind, I had just come out of remission and was 105 pounds, and had self esteem issues now because he wasn’t returning my love and was spending his time with Internet women. When I had always been a model, and had felt so much skinny shaming in 2017/ 2018, thinking I was never enough now, with anyone or anything I did and started looking at how I could be hurting so many people with what I was doing, how could I be hurting the female community with my uplifting quotes and positive mantras, my strong posts about my leadership and what I was accomplishing. I didn’t deserve it. I deserve any of the love you gave me, my girls from veise, my community, my retailers, my success, how was this love when the man I loved wouldn’t pick up the phone and listen to me, or hear me or talk to me or tell me he wanted me. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, and I had a boyfriend throw me through the wall. This topped it all.

Fast toward, I keep trying. I couldn’t fathom the thought that he was in the wrong and there was nothing wrong with me. My company is growing, we’re at the Emmy’s - Vogue - Rolls Royce - fastest selling brand with our retailers, Amazon, articles, traveling, photo shoots, fame, and everything that came with building such an incredible thing. And. I was broken. I was broke. My soul. My spirit. My life. My light. I was so dependable and this man told me that all my hard work wouldn’t mean anything because he couldn’t sleep next to me. He wouldn’t return my phone calls when I was lonely. He wouldn’t even pick up the phone. I decided we had talked about moving back to Florida in the future, so I would give him time and build a life for us there. I took on a male investor and got madly taken advantage of. When I took on retail orders, he was supposed to reimburse me and never did. He was supposed to invest a million dollar and decided to lie to me. He made me rework my entire business plan when I would have never run out of money, I had no back up plan, I had no other investment ideas, I was dedicated to building this by myself and being the most successful brand in the world and in the clean beauty industry. I had never trusted anyone with my money because I come from nothing. I don’t have rich parents, I don’t have rich people around to help. I don’t have a back up plan, and spent every last penny I had to keep going and to keep veise up and running when I went to Florida, then never got reimbursed from my investor and we went under.

I didn’t have it in me to sell the company. I didn’t have a man around to protect me and show me the right way to do things, and I had never been in a position to figure this out by myself, I always had a boyfriend and love to really rely on, guide me, dry my tears, pick me, take me, and never let me overwork myself. I had a crew ya know and never thought someone would take me and my company and drive me into the floor so hard I couldn’t stand to be around my brand. I couldn’t look at myself on the internet or in pictures, I couldn’t create I couldn’t do any of it. I cried every day from May 2018 to July 2019. From November 2019 to February 2020. From October 2019 to forever to try and heal. God had a plan. He didn’t want me to be there. He let me know on March 18th, 2019 that I was on the wrong path.

I had spent everyday I moved to Florida in my car driving for 5-6 hours everyday crying my eyes out unsure how to tell you, my community, my support system, my friends and my family I had been taken advantage of. Again. And all my past came back. Looked at me like I was a little kid, sitting there unable to process or navigate what was happening in my rear view mirror trying to leave everything behind.

The day I posted the picture of my chip charity, I had gone to Matt’s house and sat outside by his truck. I had told him a few days before that that I was moving to Florida and wanted to see him before I left. He never responded and after his mental health episode in October of the previous year where he couldn’t leave the house I was afraid he wasn’t alive or wasn’t responding because he was a good guy and couldn’t say anything. I gave him every benefit of the doubt that he was still that same man I had always known. I sat there for 4 hours unsure of when he went to work. I bought a bottle of vitamin d since he was a Florida man and it was dark and grey in the winter in North Carolina and knew it would help him. I cleared off the front seat of my already packed car so he could sit inside and tell me about where he had been. He sat there and almost cried telling me he had not been ok and he hated where he lived, that his family want there and he had no friends, just like me. And I knew the feelings, so I told him he could stay at my apartment.

I had already cut off my lease. I had no money. I called the apartment complex that day and asked them to extend my lease. I flew back into Charlotte that weekend. I made plans to go rock climbing, bowling, and spend time together with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,  and he never answered.... he told me he had a meeting with investors that evening for his ai company he was involved with and would meet me afterwards, and he never came. He never answered the next day. He never helped me move away when I said I was moving more stuff to Florida, he never told me it would be ok, he never replied. Until the next Monday. He said a family member had died. I didn’t believe you. I knew you were trying to get out of whatever you had been through. I liked you. I tried to. You never replied. You told me it was going to be fine.

I flew back in the next weekend, spent the last money I had to give you a place to stay and felt ok. I walked into the apartment and collapsed, you never replied. I kept the apartment for you. You agreed to spend weekends with me while I was in Florida. I wasn’t alive anymore and through this I died every night wondering why someone who loved me could possibly do this to me, that I was such a bad person who couldn’t provide what you needed. I’m sorry. I don’t know why, and I spent every day of my life since I saw you on 5-5 / trying to recover.

I still kept trying, because I knew one day you would get through what you needed to and become who you were again, maybe by the grace of god and all the spirits I had been paying attention to would help you get through all the things you had been through. All the people who hurt you and tried to deny you the love you deserved and I was there for you. I saw everything and still didn’t let you down. I came to Charlotte to fight for you to fight for your healing. And you still never said anything until April 5th when you went to the Bahamas. All I got was “sorry I’ve been in a bad place. I’m not ready for anything serious” that was it. After fighting for you. No phone call. No reply, no nothing. I created a molecular technology for you.

Because I thought your mind was so fucked up that I had to create something to heal you. I took off to find the answer. April 5th veise went down. Go. That’s all I heard. I donated every piece of clothing, furniture, equipment and kitchenware to the local goodwill along with every magazine, collectible and other things I had collected since I was born. I donated. I gave back. Because that’s all I could do. You meant everything to me and nothing meant anything without you. My belongings, my healing. My company. My community. My money. My success. You were it.

Without you I felt like a shell. I left that day and went down south on a journey to find the answer to homelessness, mental health, depression, and why people die. 

I slept in hotels. I slept in my car. I stayed on the beach. I ran out of money. I made friends with the homeless. I blessed em. I fed em. I cried with em. I listened to them and I prayed. I spent my days with angels, archangels and extraterrestrial brings guiding my very being since I was not of this realm anymore. I had made a deal with devil that day when he walked into the bar, and God needed you save me. A man had attached himself to me that drained every last bit of Angelica out of me. My angelic was gone. I had never felt. I had never hurt. I had never been anything. I sat outside and yelled at the moon! Take me! Why?! I’ve done everything you asked and he didn’t come back. Why? I threw out of my phones. My computers. My cameras. My old life, and anything attached to you or reminded me of what I went through that night with you when you told me you loved me then never replied. No man had ever taken advantage of me like that. My investor backed out. My family was gone. No one around to tell me it would be ok. Everything was all wrong. Society didn’t know what love was. How do I find that again. How do I know how to live again or live anything. I’m a shell. A big conglomeration of molecules designed to hold this shell and soul of someone who doesn’t belong here and doesn’t get me - this world couldn’t possibly know or understand how I felt. How I could chill with angels and other realms. How they explained the quantum grid and how to explore other worlds or how to speak and communicate with other beings and hang out with the dead and living in a realm where my body didn’t exist. It was work. I had no gps. I just had to ask. I listened to every word the guidance of God told me. It was life force. A life line like nothing else I had ever read about. I didn’t have a computer, access to internet or anything I would need to figure out how quantum entanglement works or how to drive to a Walgreens by asking how do I get there. Left right left, god told me. And there I was. In Miami at a Walgreens. I need to eat where do I need to spend my money and help people, three miles later I walk into a McDonald’s and the man behind the counter is a black male. He says to me, I’m glad you’re here. They told me you were coming.

It wasn’t me, it was like someone had taken over. It was like and angel had taken over and I was doing the work of God looking like a female in a normal reality. I had to sleep. I couldn’t keep staying up for 6 days at a time. Please god let me sleep. He took me to the ocean in Jupiter Beach under the pink full moon, which happened for 4 months and not by any fault of my own, but because guidance told me to drive there and when I would arrive the moon would be full and I would be dumb struck as to what was happening. I asked why I couldn’t go home. He said you still have a job to do - your work here is never done. I had a really relationship with guides. They told me everything I needed to know about the intergalactic slave trade, extraterrestrials and how they interact with other beings, how they take our soul, Roman mythology and how the gods control everything around us. Our solar system and why my body didn’t mean what I think it did. That even if I drowned myself in the ocean with 6 feet of sand behind me, they would put me right back. And the art of the soul and how we reincarnate and how our lives here are not meant for this earthly realm. And to be careful and to never do drugs. Portals opened up. And they let out the demons that are meant to take us down. It’s scary to share this with the Internet. We know how things go and could potentially come back to bite us in the ass but extraterrestrial beings exist on the earthly realm, they take over. They stay the day and they invite their friends. They take control of the day. The kind. The brain. I had tapped into a realm so dark I heard everything. I saw them. I saw the ghosts and the underworld and the beings who vibrate under the third realm of existence where you can only ask for help or no one can save you. 

Rules of the realms they said. The souls that belong with the dead and the sea. The way animals harness the power of life to hold your demons and what they do with them. The way animals communicate from level 5 and the way Native Americans still exist to harness and share this information the informants who give us information from the intergalactic web. Telepathy and how to hear those around you. The scare tactics the president plays to say we don’t have a say in the way our community works and the earth world and where the demons stay. I got chased that day. And I kept running. I was doing source coder work (google it) and during my time building the 12th grid last year I experienced all the pain. The suffering. The misogyny and the way people take advantage of you. I didn’t know why I went through what I went through but I know God had a plan when he said you’re on the wrong track. We have a plan. Stay with us and you’ll never be lonely and how to bridge the gap. Between being mortal spiritual and what to do bring other beings up with you. It’s a job. It’s cool. I’ll continue on later. This is enough for part 2. I’ve been through what you’ve been through as a human and although I may not be new I am a human mortal too. I feel pain. I feel everything. It’s never been this way and I wouldn’t take that away. I feel at a level held at a connector - a Physical perception. The soul we hold inside is something so pure. The humans who walk alone, afraid to be, are robotic slaves meant to take your soul and dispose of it so you can never go home. Hell is all I could hear when you looked at me. The lack of understanding and numerology, the mess you made of you and me and the mess you made in my head. You took my soul for granted. But transmutation is real. The pain you feel. The go home. The thoughts in your mind and the collective conscious. The council of light 💡 the way you ride into the unknown. It’s all a poetic way of saying you are not alone and when you ask for guidance it will always be provided - they know. Ask and you will never go alone. 


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