BAE Music Official - Healing Not Healed - Written By: Brittany DeHart
BAE Music Official
Healing Not Healed
Author: Brittany DeHart
I survived.
I was 19 years old, freshly home from college. I chose to live with my father in hopes to rebuild our relationship that had been tethered through divorce, and his relationships with some of the women he chose to love. I found my first job since being home, had my car, and was focused and determined to elevate and remain driven towards my goals to be successful. I was suffering bad internally with depression and anxiety from losing my best friend only a few years before this. I was young then, and even now I still struggle with her loss. All I wanted was to do better and be better for her.
I met my abuser and my first love at my job. He manipulated me from the start, but I had never experienced abuse before meeting him, so I didn’t catch onto what was going on until it was too late. Without getting into too much detail, about 7 months into our relationship, I was coming home and getting abused for no reason. Sometimes, it was just because he was having a bad day. He isolated me from my friends and family. If I didn’t “listen” to him, I would pay for it. I was a new business owner at the time, and was trying to maintain that while dealing with hell and torture at home. My family and friends knew we weren’t getting along, but I never really truly told anyone the truth. I was scared to. His mother tried to get me arrested on 50k worth of false charges, he made me lose every apartment I worked so hard for, because the police were called so many times by our neighbors due to noise, that my landlords didn’t want me at their properties anymore. What made me finally wake up, and leave, was the day he almost took my life. I was pregnant. I didn’t know until I was 6 weeks along, and I was considered “high risk.” He was cheating on me. With the girl he worked with. I found out about it, and saw that she had been in my home and posted photos with him in our mirror. I was working while I was pregnant , still giving him a chance to change and be a father, and instead he’s at our house playing house with someone else. When he found out that I had confronted the female about this. He put his hands on me until I wasn’t breathing. All I remember was waking up to oxygen on my face and paramedics assisting me. He went out the window with my keys and phone. I knew he was going to come back. I asked them to stay and watch . They did for a little , but eventually they left and I was alone. I locked myself in my room. He broke in through the fire escape door and broke the door frame off the wall. He suffocated me again, and then left. He thought I was dead this time. I got up the next morning and knew what I had to do. I got what I could and left the house. The next day I miscarried. While I was at work. He left me alone to deal with that too. It was like he didn’t even care. I lost my child, and the person I loved changed before my eyes again. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did. Right in front of me.
I didn’t want to be alone, but I wanted to be alive. I was ready to finally be honest with my friends and family about what was going on. I told my dad the truth. He was at the hospital with me when I lost my child, so I gave him answers. I told my mom. He had also killed 2 of my cats and stole my dog from me, who I adopted, trained, and have registered as my ESA. Just to make me suffer.
I had to make a choice to keep going and use the little tiny bit of whatever energy I had left to continue. Losing a child is a trauma you never forget, especially when they’re in a state where they are grown and you hear and feel their heart beating in sync with yours …..
It’s been 4 years now since I’ve been free from my abuser and I had to make the decision for myself to finally tell my story and speak my truth because one thing I was never going to do was let him get away with anything that he did to me. There is a lot that I did not speak about and you guys will learn more details about what I experienced in a documentary that I have planned coming. That’s where and why I found music. To finally be free, and tell my story. I survived a situation that should’ve killed me, but I fought, and it didn’t ….
I now want to use my experience and my escape as a tool for others who may be going through the same thing, or something similar to what I did. I hope to help others bring awareness to the mental health community. The best smiles and laughs can hide the worst pain. Nobody knew what I was going through because I hid it so well. Never stop checking on the people you love, even if they don’t seem like they need it. They may just not be telling you.
Thank you for listening to my story, and I hope this can help someone re-write theirs as well. That doesn’t have to be your story, and you can always change your ending. I love you, god loves you, and everything is done through grace and by faith. Believe in yourself, and love yourself more. Love yourself enough to walk away. You’re amazing , and thank you for reading.
You are loved, and you will always be enough.
BAE Music Official
Brittany DeHart