Why it looks like I have an eating disorder 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Why it looks like I have an eating disorder 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m finding, fighting, and filing away in my mind all the times I’ve felt less than because I have an auto-immune disease that attacks my body.

Some days I’m ok. Some days I can sing. Some days I can sleep. But most days. I struggle harder than anybody. So I get up and feel like me.

Never concerned about the book. Never concerned about being in a cozy little nook. Never concerned if someone will lie to me. Never concerned because this is my body. I know it seems wrong, to write everything into my own little song. But the past few years, scared me helpless, all the fear. First I had a stalker, hid in the bushes late at night. Then my friend got a gun, told me it would be alright. But he would show up late at night. Went to court. Still wasn’t right. Judge let me know, doesn’t matter, until you’re low. Low in the ground. Til your dead. That’s North Carolina. Though, I guess. I don’t get it.

Then that same man. Left a poem up, to all his girlfriends, but I laid in his bed, for three whole years. Some superstar? Some would say duh. But he didn’t know. I kept this all on my own. Told no one. Not a soul.

Then I met Aladdin. Sure as shit. Showed up on a whole nother level. This isn’t it. Cuz when he smashed my face through a mirror, ruined New Years, couldn’t forget - sure. Then when he ruined my whole birthday, 4 years now, what should I say. I gave up on life. This can’t be alright. But our parents said marry, there’s no way / not our family. But I saw all the wrongs, let him down, not your song. So I shell it back up. Fuck. Enough is enough. So I sorrow on my own. Go to Denver. No one knows. I did. Because I’m lone.

So the disorder you see, isn’t what you think. I’m anorexic, can’t get love, no you’re full of shit, because the love that I seek came from you and not me. You fed me your horrors and you left me with morals. You fed me your sorrow, had more from tomorrow. You sought your own torture, just to get past the gore, sure. But your mind wasn’t rotten, just felt like you needed to talk through it. So these sorrows they go, you’re not so alone. Cuz that girl that you seek, is in you and in me. She’s not so alone. She does have a home. She does have a family. She doesn’t like to be candid, see. She sleeps on her own. She works on her poems. And she writes through night never to forget all her why, she saw all your shy, and she flips when she shines, but her music is masterfully skilled and she didn’t know she could have so much to fill, some shoes and some sadness, it’s all about lavish, some normal you seek is in you / and maybe she / she looks through the men, looks through DM’s and she saw one more time. She’s dyslexic. That’s her why. She saw all the salutes, to the armies in blue. And she stayed all the way, never lied. Still ok. She never held up against men with a bun, but she sought all her treatment, in her writing, not ED then. It’s a serious disease, no control, cancer - she - has no option but paralysis didn’t even stay for dialysis. So she sings on her way, so scared, she won’t get away, but her home is never in my art, she has her own. She’s so so scarxart.

So when you see skinny, I think healthy. Not ED. Cuz I eat what I can, and I’m healthy. That’s my man. Cuz the new man inside, in my home, in my life, will see me for me. I’m just sick. No more. Please 💔 seek treatment is what you see, but I’m happy. Being me ❤️ Xo, scarxred ❤️

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