What does personality mean to me - healing from everything ❤️

To laugh at the face of adversity. When my car got repossessed last year, I was staying with my grandparents before I was supposed to go on tour as Karlaes assistant with Young Thug and MGK.

I had gotten the job from my longtime friend and former boyfriend Shaan (miss you) and he was in Europe when it hit. He did his best. He was busy with other superstars. I could never hurt him. But it was hard.

And I lost my car, that’s all I thought as I called the police department, and they gracefully (thankfully said it was repoed) I guess. I didn’t really know what to think. I knew I would be on tour for the next couple weeks and months or maybe years, who knew, it was weird... so I was like well, God is healing me from what has happened and God is showing me a new life plan, and that this car is not what I needed then. So I said ok. Didn’t think too much of it. Kept writing away....

My grandmother told me to go to a shelter though, and my mind changed.... I deleted everything...

I walked inside and she said you need to leave or go to a battered women’s shelter, you cannot stay here anymore. When I ran a multi-million dollar company just months before and have never heard anyone say that to me before.... I laughed at her. I was like, you’re going to send me to somewhere that has no safe place because I couldn’t afford my car payment... ok. Send me. I’ll go. But I won’t go alone. Because I had some crap, that I couldn’t take back. I had all my inventory and couldn’t let it be. So I kept all of it. Sent it to Amazon and my Dad helped with it. That’s when the crazy kept going, told y’all we would keep growing. And I tried with all my might, I just couldn’t keep up the good fight. I had no place to stay, no place to lay my head, I sat on the curb, cried my eyes out, it’s absurd. And my friends sent me money to help, which was lovely, but it wasn’t enough, I was torn, no more blood please.

I drove all through the night and got to Charlotte. You didn’t answer. I knocked on your door. No one was home. I looked for your car and it wasn’t there. I asked every body if you still lived there. They called you at work and said you still did, so that’s where I showed up. Scared to go home, scared to not know if you were as broken as I was. Not knowing if you cared enough to even let me come stay. I knew in my heart what I had to do for whatever reason. I had to get to you. And I cried the whole time in your truck telling you about what I had been through and you still broke my heart. You still looked at me. And said I wasn’t enough. I built you four companies. I was devastated and I heard you say nothing to me. You told me you could stay and abandoned me that day.

My grandmother did the same thing.

I went to Atlanta to stay with my friend. I showed up, dj’ed a gig, and he didn’t want me to stay. I posted a booty pic that day. His girlfriend saw my profile and threw a fit even though it had nothing to do with him. He gave me money and told me to leave. So here I was again. Within a few week time frame. No place to stay. I called my family and my Dad was going to LA. I called my mom. My sister. I didn’t have my brothers number. They ignored me. The pain and agony of laying on the floor with no where to go was abusing me. No one could tell. No one could leave me. I couldn’t be that abusive to anybody. My sister called me a piece of trash, told me to never come back. When she was the one with a record and a lifelong disease that severely affected her. She told me not to come see her kids and that I was on drugs, which I never did. I smoked weed as a kid and a bit in my teens, then for a brief time in my twenties but I never did hard drugs. I never even took the pills they gave me to save my life when I was diagnosed with 4 auto/immune diseases. I didn’t do drugs, there was no one around to love me. To see me - to sleep next to me - to appreciate me and my livelihood. I was trying. I was shaking, but I wasn’t crying, I was used to the abuse my family gave me.

So I packed my bag, sat for a while with my friend and went to find a motel. He tried to help. His girlfriend just didn’t like the way I looked.... and the fact that I couldn’t cook. But I could....

Orlando, I kinda had a home though. With a schizopehnric kid who was abusive. He yelled and screamed at me and tried to lay his hands on me. His sister in law tried to break down the door for a score she needed to settle with me, from when we were 17 and her current boyfriend was dating me. Same thing on the streets. Yelling and screaming telling me I was demeaning. Because she wasn’t sure how I could be so poor, and 13 years later she hadn’t had the opportunity to do anything more than me... I was poor. Because I was broke. Broken hearted. There’s no love for the poor when your heart is on the floor.

And the three other places I stayed. Told the bar all about it and asked why I didn’t get paid. It was the only way to feed myself that day. And they said wait.

Ok. Don’t you know I look like this but I’m not ok. I just need help today. I promise I’ll stay late. I promise I work harder than any other employee, I’ll turn the place into the greatest drinking place. Here’s my plan, this is how we turn heads. I’m wanting to change the world. I need to find another cure. I need to. I need to cure cancer, I need my old Matt here. I keep seeing you at Central but it’s never the same way though... it never was. I still thought about us. And I deserve you. The pain and suffering I’m going through, is because you never loved you. I had to choose. Who needed the abuse. I was destined for greatness but this couldn’t be it. Why could you choose to go out on the loose with a noose around your neck and have no regret. How could you handle this much use?

I knew I could fine you, for everything you put me through. I talked to my fam and asked them what’s the plan, when they took my paycheck and didn’t even regret not paying me for what I had done. For showing up to work and the 21 year old prick who told me I didn’t have a shift anymore. For the $18 round trip I had to pay and still worked at home all day. You told me you would care so I stuck by your side. Until I looked in the mirror, the day Kevin disappeared, and I told you I’d help. But I couldn’t. Because of the way I look.

And I told you sorry and I cried so hard that day, cuz I felt like I looked too ridiculous and lost my whole life because of it. Then she sent me a message and told me I had ruined us. You and her. And I didn’t know. I thought I was at home. Then everyone got mad. Like I was doing something bad, for seeing someone for who they are, and thought you cared about my car. 

I never got my last paycheck, and I guess I regret that. But I was too embarrassed - because again, I cared enough and too much. Shit. Every time I try, it’s always a way for my mind, to try and find some love and someone to show me how fun. Life could really be, but I swear I was being me. I was having a hard time, I never wanted to get fined. I thought we were going to be good friends, had a lot of ideas, no nonsense.x I still have your plan. Let me know if and when. Kk

So I took off again, bout to tour - that’s the plan. And I go to a bar - spend my last $12 for two more tries. And we had a great time, me and that guy. But his friend is overrated - he told me we never dated. I said I thought we were friends, seemed like the end. But I guess that it wasn’t, because I met his brother. His friend he once asked, if I was in casting. And I told him. Hope you’re well, grow alone. And I resented that - he wasn’t there to help me with that. Cuz when he saw your face, he knew there was no way... I couldn’t be fine, this is what goes through my mind.

Show everyone I’m ok, I keep dying another way.

So I commit the model to some serious r&r, because reading this though, is like reading a bible. She can’t be that scorned from a pattern of her own. It’s really so strange when you think about your days, cuz when I got to Atlanta I find a new recording studio. We wrote murder your girl in 3 hours - and this girl, wrote something so great

she knew she could finally make a great day - for someone other than you - who was beaten and abused, but the files he has em and I don’t know if I’ll ever see em... it’s strange.

And the man in the pictures, it’s a scary way to sleep here, because he got so aggressive when I left him. My series was for purity and helping those around me and him and friends went through and tried to abuse me again. We sat at a table and he ignored me until I cried though. And all the men in the restaurant asked me if I wanted to come sing along, their were songs being played and he looked down, like he was drained. But he ruined my way of doing everything to get through the pain. He and his friends demolished me and then they wrote all these comments and about sex and I mean honestly - I had just gone through someone else who was so abusive - when parents wouldn’t let me stay - buy a bus ticket to come their way - I found a new job, as a house sitter, it seemed odd.

It was a wedding venue and of course I know what to do, it was a free place to stay and he seemed kind so I said ok. My friend gave me money, dropped me off and he hugged me. I told him I love you, please don’t leave me, I need you... he couldn’t stay, had to go his own way and if you read this one day, I thought of you so much more than I could ever say.

When you sat on the floor with me while I was sobbing, while holding my limp body saying I couldn’t be alive because honestly, who who would do this to you. When you did nothing but take the abuse. And you cheated on my ... I’ll never say it again unless it’s with friends. You’re not a good person, you know who you are if you read this.... and I’m broke over this but I know I have no regrets. He held my lifeless body and didn’t say anything. He let me cry myself to sleep and kept a watchful eye so I could keep going.... He kept going... and I was so lonely... it’s so scary. no one knows me. No one knew me... and I’m sorry.

Oh, but let’s not forget that guy, I hope he gets arrested. For the things he does to women, for his Craigslist ad. You definitely deceived me, asked me about my whying. Jacked off in front of me, when I respectfully took care of everything. And I promoted your abuse, cuz I didn’t have a clue, that you did this all the time, I hope the cops get called - just why.

Who do you think you are? When I was with my friend in his car and you texted me “bitch, you know the rules” how could you be so cruel. I never understood that, why that man could say something like that. When all I did was clean his house, time and time again, got taken advantage of. Once again...

And Aaron, he was cool. Gave me money and said honey, you have to go. Take the money, find a new home. You cannot stay, I will NOT let anyone treat you this way.

And you always had my back, never let me down. Even with that. So I called Jesse, and he said yes. We had a wedding photo shoot and he seemed super cute. They used to play hockey, I got his consent to share his story.

Come on over, we’ll have a sleepover. And he let me stay, helped me grab my things the next day. And I talk about it in the series, we’re cool now, he still cares about me. But we didn’t get married 🤦🏻‍♀️

But PH, someone go get him. He takes advantage of young women. Tried to get them into his sex ring, degrades women who don’t sleep with him. Calls young girls bitches, just because they won’t sleep with him. And clean up your tissues, it’s disgusting, and you knew. Tried to build you a website, payed me $100 and that wasn’t right. Told me to fight for it, taped it on the television that night. And then you degrade me, and I mean cmon. You’re lazy. Don’t ever pretend, you were ever a good man, cuz I see the way you treat your lady, and she’s no longer amazing. She probably was, before your drug, but you smell like butt. Stop busting a nut.

Oh and my series, I swear I didn’t get a break, seriously. The assholes that commented, I started to vomit. I couldn’t stop the abuse. So I shut it down til I could get a clue. And when Adam said that, you’re so talented and Bhabie is back, I knew what he meant, I held no more resent. Because he’ll always be my friend and that got me through everything. The end. ScarxRed 🖤

Watch the Docuseries here:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHpxp9sSJZ-iRAMeo7Dukvh08S1TFa7my